Fear of Failure

 

I am so utterly thankful and lost for words at the enormous blessings that have been bestowed upon our family. In my heart I am so honored to be given an opportunity and I hope with all my heart that I do not squander this moment away with fears of failure that steer me to not trying and ultimately failing due to lack of effort. Yesterday I finally received my first ever gifted laptop from Apple and I even got to order it and modify it to my specifications. I'm truly excited and so utterly thankful and beyond elated. Thank you daddy and my handsome Sven for being so generous and thoughtful men in my life.

I wish to return to school and continue my education so that I am able to financially care for my children with my handsome loving partner Sven by my side. I am very grateful for him and everything he does for me, and our family but I want to also share in that experience and to do for us as well. 

I know that I am capable and that I now have the resources and the only thing holding me back at this point would be me. Getting out of my comfort zone and challenging myself to become a someone that contributes to our community and a someone that is helpful and loving and kind. I want my children to one day say that their mom was a great person that tried her best. I must first overcome my fear of failure, because this stagnant shit is not doing it for me no more. I want to be successful, and in order to do that I must first realize that failing is a part of success, it's part of the process.

Failure, it's like falling, we're all capable of it. I seen this one shit on the news this past week that hurt my heart and made me sick. Two young mothers were driving on the freeway intoxicated with four of their children and the youngest, a precious1 month old was not even secured with a safety belt. They ended up hitting a cement wall and both of those mothers woke up in jail knowing that they each lost a precious child. Just the thought of losing my own child because of a stupid decision, I keep wondering about their hearts and the hearts of their grandmothers that are also hurting so badly at the loss of both a child and a beautiful grandchild. Both blessings taken away in the blink of an eye, life can be so short.

I also feel conflicted about all the slander and hate projected at these two mothers that are currently incarcerated. I know that they are neither good nor bad, none of us are, rather they both chose and made the worst decisions of their lives and it resulted in a horrible nightmare. I hope that they are remorseful and regret their decision and because I do not know the mentality of these women or their hearts in the matter I trying my hardest not to judge them at their darkest hour. I know if it were me I would be dying inside already, I feel badly for them both, in that they are both hurting as well and have a dark road of hardship ahead of them. It makes me want to cry,....