My thoughts and dreams,...

  You may eventually find yourself needing a place to call a home of your own or possibly may be needing a room mate or just to relocate for any number of personal reasons. At any rate, searching for an apartment requires a strategic mindset of thinking for a positive outcome in long term aspects. Learning about what to expect and researching beforehand will be beneficial to making an informed decision. Firstly, price range, have you calculated and figured how much you can afford before deciding on an apartment? Be sure to realistically ask yourself, "how much can I afford & will having a room mate be a smart choice?" Before going into partnership with a roommate it's important to establish an equal understanding of shared responsibilities including the lease duration and deposits, also what deposits are to be expected with a holistic view of timeframes. It's also a smart idea to inquire about amenities, whether there is a gym, pool, running trails, co...

Out there the sky is still slightly blue and will soon be a beautiful array of colorful evening lights. I like to call it God's canvas and each day a different shape and form; unique and indescribable in its own beautiful way, especially in the beautiful 505 a place they call the Land of Enchantment. The skies here are often breathtaking and can calm the heart in even the darkest of times. I often find serenity in my observation of trees, one of my personal favorites is the dark outlined silhouettes of these magnificent wonders agains the backdrop of the ever changing colors in the evening sky. Looking as the leaves sway in the gentle breeze and hearing the sweet melodies of the lingering birds singing fare thee well to yet another day to have tried.  The twinkling of lights appear as the night sky turns to black.

  I am so utterly thankful and lost for words at the enormous blessings that have been bestowed upon our family. In my heart I am so honored to be given an opportunity and I hope with all my heart that I do not squander this moment away with fears of failure that steer me to not trying and ultimately failing due to lack of effort. Yesterday I finally received my first ever gifted laptop from Apple and I even got to order it and modify it to my specifications. I'm truly excited and so utterly thankful and beyond elated. Thank you daddy and my handsome Sven for being so generous and thoughtful men in my life. I wish to return to school and continue my education so that I am able to financially care for my children with my handsome loving partner Sven by my side. I am very grateful for him and everything he does for me, and our family but I want to also share in that experience and to do for us as well.  I know that I am capable and that I now have the resources and t...

Deep Breaths, heart still beating... Life is too short to not inhale the life that's meant for you,... I woke up this morning with running on my mind,.. I didn't want to get out of bed, but there was so much in my head. Everything around me is changing, inside and out of my heart and home,  chaotic at times but my heart still beats.

May 23, 2020 I got lost today in the bosque but I wasn’t alone. It was scary because there was a realization that I have no control. A feeling of helplessness and a loss of direction. It’s silly to think that had I not had a destination in mind, I would never had been able to claim being lost to begin with. The brush was thickening all around as we navigated through paths barely seen yet very much felt I found myself losing things along the way, this revelation did not arrive until later. When it finally came time to cross a water path, it was here that I found myself running into harm's way, he told me to be careful but I guess I couldn't help myself. I got a cut as I made a path for those behind me in my care, after that first cut more cuts came all on one hand because I finally realized my hand was bleeding. It was a thorn bush of a tree that got its repayment to me for interrupting his serene homestead of solace, broken with my mere presence. I squeezed my ...

Tomorrow’s today is never promised. A day of age where everyone is quarantined A sickness is spreading Tomorrow’s not guaranteed Fear flows faster as each day grows  People in their hearts, they go cold It no longer matters if your young or old, People are losing self control Guns blazing all around, Helicopters heard from the ground Government continues to tell white lies Children are still hungry, nobody hears their cries Body counts are rising, Nobody can stop the pain.

A blank screen another thought. Headspace is a reflection of my imperfection, Can’t seem to get it straight. I want to scream and shout my anger, sometimes I wish my sun would set. Instead I sit and wonder why as a tear rolls down my eye... Can’t ever let them see me cry. Can’t seem to maintain, everything done in vain it seems, I try to explain but I’m nothing but a walking mistake. When will I break? Life isn’t a such piece of cake, how much will it take, everything’s at stake. Trying to get some peace of mind,... Positivity and encouragement, are my crime Negativity only brings me down feels like I’m drowning Trying not to wear this frown, remembering along the way  to śtraighten my crown.. I know I say can't alot, but in retrospect I can And I will overcome 🖤

When  my heart is broken, it could be like the ocean... Living in this age, we’re  like animals caged. Everything is staged, can’t look past the rage. I see with my eyes until everything’s hazed, til I’m forced to see everything blurry as if in ablaze. Not seeing clearly, not thinking right. Everything I’ve known has been taken from sight. Like being indigenous all over again,.. this time the whole country is holding my hand. Were walking together, together alone... Surviving each day in a new world unknown. A country in debt, run on lies and regrets, stories untold as the repercussions unfold. So full of schemes, running out of means, a recipe for disaster, what’s to come after? Sending us cash, the silence before the storm, Will we be once more conformed... Distractions while conducting interactions has always been the master plan,.. the lots of masses could never understand, so they send you money and people are dying, America's in tears, the electio...

He doesnt know what it means when I gave him my love. I could look into his eyes and see the stars, I wasn't afraid,  I could speak my words into his heart. Then one day it all went away, our hearts drifted astray.  I used to yearn to tell him everything,  share my goals, my dreams, my aspirations. It's faded now, I have no reason to tell.

🖤So much to say and no idea where to start. We’ll just say this is a message from the heart. Every year it seems we fall closer apart. Who are we, who are even you and I? Our identity has been ostracized, throughout the ages our bloodline has been degraded. I’ve read of revolutions, disillusions, confusions and heartache. Everything about this country's history remains a mystery to me. Why do they believed you can own people, land, and everything to be for the taking? They claim to have found us? Even though we were never lost. Our ancestors knew there would be a cost, now look at all that is truly lost.. the water is polluted, species have become extinct, our atmosphere is globally warming, there’s talk of a WWIII. Our people, our homes,  our culture and language have constantly been raided. Nonody talks about the native segregation or the attempted genocide.  Savage is what my bloodline has been labeled, a reason to take our sacred lands, all at a co...

My world shakes, Heart aches.. Feeling like my life's  An earthquake... Negativity clouds my vision, Can't seem to make a decision. Im being attacked,  Won't cut me no slack,  Everything's my fault,  It's a verbal assault, Tears stream down my face,  Nobody will ever know, My heart continues  To grow  Cold.

Sometimes love can be so cold, Our courage can only be so bold.... My heart hurts, the pain’s too much to hold... It’s often overbearing, my hearts heavy, I try to remain steady, I remember clearly that day, It had to unfold... So much had happened, So much untold... The guy who did it was evil, his soul was sold... She was taken from I without a goodbye, She’ll never get old... I’ll continue but still I’ll cry, Never consoled... We used to be under the same stars, The sun and the moon were the lights of our world.. We were together, we had one another... My sister in heaven was taken away. #MMIW #NoMoreMissingSisters

One could pretend to care,... intent is there,... but where is the compassion,.. where has that tenderness gone? What is the meaning behind it all? If it is not heartfelt and genuine is it even worth the effort? How must one continue on in despair,.. to lose a love and go on knowing,... or to walk blindly, but not just any kind of blindness, intent blindness, a knowing blindness where eyes are tightly sealed. Is pretending as bad as dishonesty or omission.....? What has happened to want to see through the blindness, yet fear takes hold,. Could I ever be so bold? One day there will be no morrow to make up for the past,... one day there will only be storms and sorrow. In my foreboding mind I only see darkness... A deceiver of honesty, a liar of qualities, a charmer of good, a pretender of motions, an omitter of the truth,... What shall one continue to present? What shall one choose to perceive? Fake truths or true lies,... only time will tell,... As we all ...

I've come to a fork in the road, my heart is corrupted. I'm losing myself once again,  i f ever my life has been challenging it has been these past few years... I always feel myself slipping away and it's then that I start feeling down. I know people often feel uncomfortable when confronted with anything unpleasant, I mean it's human nature. So many thoughts go through my mind, many of them unpleasant, it is because of this reason I have not published much of my writing in these past years. This year that's changing, I will say what I mean and with intent. I figure nobody really reads much anymore,  why bother censoring my unread words. Over the years I have written many words, but have not shared many thoughts. Writing has always been my strongest form of expression, like running I feel it just comes naturally. There's so many things happening, I have so many goals, I started running in August. I'm not going to stop anytime soon...and so with my writin...

To love and be loved... I've been falling for some time now.. I knew from the start, like a shadow to the light, we belong together forevermore.. A love like ours can only be found in once opon a times, without reason or rhyme... I promise to love you for all of my time🖤 I simply want to be with you, to live, to laugh, to grow,  Through anything and everything I want you and only you, there by my side! I want to love you deeply to learn you inside out your fears your dreams your wildest desires.. I want to love you with intent, to prosper, to build and grow a castle of our own together. I want you there for the laughter, I want you there for the tears, I want you there for all the years, to enjoy the most beautiful days and weather the darkest of storms...  I never want to be without you 🖤 That is the way I want to love you into eternity, with you always by my side.

I often describe my depression as the fog, I hide from the sun, love rainy days and awe at the sight of the beautiful night sky.. Sometimes the thought of breathing is necessary,  only because I forget to do it involuntarily. I lose my breath in moments of over burden, stress, heartache, hurt or rejection and I must remember to breathe. In my lifetime I've had my share of storms - dark, violent, cold places you think you will never return from, storms that sweep you away and change the way you see the world, storms so full of nightmares you sometimes forget, but only to help ease the constant battle in your mind.. Only I haven't actually forgotten it seems, more like written it in invisible ink only to be revealed by the certain light, in that way it stays hidden. Storms come and  go and in that way storms are constant, like change. Our lives are a series of seasons and change, in it there is a time for everything. I admit I personally have not been wise with my time, I...

Vast and uncharted.. I cant remember the last time when my first thought wasn't of you ... Im loving each moment of loving you,  my heart is no longer confused...  If my heart were a bomb,  youd be the light to the fuse Love you so much i so not want to lose you If it comes down to a choice you know it is you, know I am not trying to amuse,  Im so fuckin tired of the thought of getting used...

I found some baby panthers one day while walking in the beautiful outside. They were hungry so I fed them and they seemed scared. Scared and lonely enough to follow me so I let them. They were very loving and kind, eager to be loved the two of them. They followed me home and became like members of our family, for how long I'm not too sure but we did everything together, my children and our two beautiful panthers.The house we were in seemed so tiny at first almost congested like we were in a small old fashioned van. Then one day as we were all sleeping I heard one scrambling so I opened the door and he seemed afraid to exit so I gave him a tiny, okay a kinda big push. After I pushed the kitty/panther out I realized it was no longer as small as before. In fact it was huge in a gigantic way, almost colossal it seemed before me. I finally became clear to me that this was not the same baby panther I found and loved so. This panther was the momma, she was very aware of my presence a...

I can not sleep, my heart hurts too badly. I lay awake thinking endlessly into the morning hours. Sometimes I think of everything I have yet to do, or the bills to pay. Most times I replay all the mistakes Ive made throughout the day. Sometimes I replay a mistake over and over.. I feel my light weakening, dying out, fading, I am broken. I wish I were stronger. I wish I werent losing what little of me is left, I am a shell! A hollow ball of emptiness and pain. Thinking is my nemesis and procrastination has become my worst enemy. I have countless regrets yet I continue to make mistakes. I lose everything that is dear to me and it tears me apart. Life has become a foreboding memory, I am ashes from the fire, the wind sweeps me away into nothingness, I feel scattered! Time has waged a war that kills us all. I want to go home but I dont want to leave my hearts, what will they remember? What songs will remind them of me? Will they be mad at me? Will they love me? Will they know truly, ...

Life is a battlefield! Each day comes with new battles. It seems to circle back to that statement  in many aspects and times in our lives. We can also all point to a time in our lives and remember that there seemed to be no hope or solution to a problem. But what we must always remember is that without rain and storms we may not always appreciate the sunny days that are always waiting, there to shine. But in order to get back to that oasis of rest and enjoyment we endure, overcome, learn and grow. Sometimes it's not always easy to get thorough these mountains and valleys but low and behold there is always a lesson to be learned. So whether it is raining or pouring, a frightening thunderstorm, an angry hurricane, or even a destructive tsunami. The battles we face shape us into the people we become. Teaching us to learn from our mistakes and even others mistakes once we catch on to the vicious cycle that never ceases. Our battles we may face come in many shapes, forms and si...